


Panic at her words

by betawhitewolf



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, POV Caleb Widogast, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24902494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betawhitewolf/pseuds/betawhitewolf
Summary: Nott's words play on repeat through Caleb's mind as they ride back into town, slowly making their way to an Inn after finishing their long talk.The world seems to flow in slow motion around him as the bitter tang of bile rises in his throat again but he swallows and digs blunt nails into his exposed arms.
Relationships: Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 6
Kudos: 147





	Panic at her words

**Author's Note:**

> Tw! Unintentional self-harm and a lot of negative speech! 
> 
> That episode fuckin killed me man, Sam is an asshat

Nott's words play on repeat through Caleb's mind as they ride back into town, slowly making their way to an Inn after finishing their long talk.

The world seems to flow in slow motion around him as the bitter tang of bile rises in his throat again but he swallows and digs blunt nails into his exposed arms. 

'His people' she had spit at him, and all Caleb could hear out of that statement was 'his fault' another failure to add to his growing list. 

Caleb's eyes stray to Nott and a small part of him wants to beg her for forgiveness, a dizzying want for her to not leave him or hate him but he keeps his mouth close, he deserves her spite. 

As the rest of the ride flys by Caleb silently wallows in self pity as he digs at his arms. 

A soft tap Eventually draws him from his mind as Fjord brushes past him and motions to the Inn a slight grimace on the Half-Orcs face. 

He understands, a lot was just thrown at them from both himself and Nott or Veth, he's not sure what to call her or if he's even alowed to talk to her. 

Caleb shakes himself off slightly and tugs down his sleeves to hide his scratched up arms before he slowly gets out of the cart and silently follows the rest of the Nein inside. 

He wanders off almost instantly to find a table to claim, one tucked back into the wall away from prying eyes as he hides in the cornor his mind starting to become hazy again as his thoughts drifted through the last couple of hours. 

The taste of bile starts to blend with ash as blunt nails find old scars again though he keeps himself from digging as the rest of them join him at the table all of them looking slightly guilty and concerned. 

Their attention is on Nott as she deserves and Caleb is infinitely grateful for their found family for being there for her while he couldn't. 

As they focused and talked the words started to blend together to make less and less sense in his frazzled mind so eventually the wizard excuses himself.

Easily slipping away from his team he wonders up to the counter and purchases another room, his hands trembling as he takes the key and makes his way to his new room. 

As he enters it feels like a dam breaking as his eyes well with tears and his hands find his arms to start tearing apart, 'your people' a broken record to accompany the noise in his head.

Caleb finds a corner of the room to hide in, one tucked between a desk and empty book shelf small enough for him to hide from prying eyes that aren't actually there. 

His chest feels like its on fire and someone stabbed him at the same time as 'your people' slowly devolves into 'well fuck him' the agony of her hate feels as sharp as her arrows in his skin. 

Caleb feels himself want to wail but he swallows it down even as his vocal chords strain and sting with the effort of not using his voice. 

The room around him is suddenly Trent Ikithon's lab before it becomes his house as flames consume it and then the basement and Nott's words are combined with screams and yelling of too many diffrent voices and Caleb tears a scar open with blunt nails. 

The feeling of blood does nothing but make him whimper and dig harder into the wound as the itch and burn of phantom residuum becomes more apparent. 

His thoughts broken with the want to escape his past, 'his people', to be free from the agony of all of his faults and mistakes. 

In the midst of his panic Caleb doesn't hear his door open or the silent sound of claws clicking on a wooden floor. 

But he does feel the gentle claws that suddenly cup his tear stained face and Caleb immediately reels back broken Zemnian falling from pleading lips as he huddles away the shot of panic making his eyes water harder and leaving his breath to fall into quicker gasps.

His eyes refuse to focuse and the voice that calls out to him is muddled and broken and Caleb's nails dig angry into ruined flesh as he finally lets out a broken sob amongst the pleas. 

The figure in front him stays put this time but a hand gently grabs his and Caleb finally realises how bloody it is. 

The voice is still muffled but it sounds comforting, even if Caleb still flinches as the hands move to his face he doesn't try to escape staying still as careful claws close around his cheeks. 

He has no idea how long he sits there with his eyes down and full of tears as he pants out sobs and gentle hands rub circles into his cheek but eventually he becomes aware that the figure in front of him is Nott. 

The Goblin's eyes full of tears herself as she quietly hums a broken tune and her gentle hands sooth away tear after tear. 

Caleb flinches at her hands again and his body goes taunt with realization and suddenly his mouth is moving before he can register the words. 

"Bitte I'm sorry, I'm so sorry mein liebling, I'm so so sorry." Caleb brokenly whimpers his voice thick with his accent and withheld sobs. 

Nott shakes her head sharply her small hands tugging him down to press their foreheads together. "Hush, you did nothing wrong Caleb I'm so sorry for snapping at you like that. I was hurt but that's no excuse for saying what I did. You didn't do anything wrong im sorry." 

Caleb frantically shakes his head back as he trembles his eyes squeezing shut so he doesn't have to look into her cat like eyes so full of love still when he should see hate. 

Nott just holds him and hushes him her voice falling from apologise back into a soft soothing hum. 

Caleb should curl up and die, but he's selfish so he stays in her comfort his eyes staying close as he rest against her. 

Eventually his panted sobs fade into miniscule whimpers before he goes silent exhaustion finally catching up with him. Nott moves away first but not far as she takes his arm and pulls up his sleeve to see the damage he managed to himself. 

Caleb doesn't open his eyes even as Nott quietly gasps and her tentative shaking hands close around his tender wounds and scars. 

But his eyes do fly open as she pulls away and get up, a noise of protest and fear escaping his throat without his permission. 

Nott leans forward to kiss his forhead, "I'm not going far I need to clean those at least and bandage them until Cad or Jessie can take a look." 

Caleb feels midly miserable at the thought but doesn't say anything, he knows Nott won't want to hear the depercation hidding on his tongue. 

Nott digs in her bag and then his before she comes back her hands full of supplies that she had started to keep on her after travling with him. 

Caleb stays docile as she cleans and wraps his arm even stopping to use her water canteen to clean the blood from under his nails before she slowly pulls him up and leads him to the bed. 

She helps him take off his jacket and shoes before waiting for him to tuck himself under the covers. After he does she crawls up beside him tucking his head to her stomach.

"We'll have to talk in the morning about this Cay, but for now get some sleep." Her voice reminds him of comfort and happier times so Caleb nods as her fingers twine through his hair. 

Eventually he does drift off to a slight off tune humming and the feeling of gentle claws scraping through his unkempt hair.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed! If you did/didnt have a good day/night! Thank you for reading!


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